Companion #3: Doubt

The other night I was out having a beer with a friend of mine who is not a follower of Jesus but is seriously considering becoming one.  The place was busy.  It was loud.  There was a karaoke contest going on and the same three people kept signing up to sing.  Though the quality of the music was terrible, their stamina was certainly impressive!  Anyway, we practically had to yell across the table to get in our conversation and he asked me this question.  "Do you ever have doubts?" 

Man, do I ever.  There are times when I doubt my ability, my faith, and my convictions.  There are times when I doubt my calling, my qualifications, even my faith.  I have what I call my "Wal-Mart Greeter" days when I just want to hang it up and go greet people at Wal-Mart.  There are times when I doubt whether this missional vision will take hold or prove sustainable.  There are times when I wonder if I am on the right track or have gone off the rails.  I have doubts as to God's provision, God's timing, and God's direction/purpose for the community I lead. 

So I shared all these with my friend and that felt a bit weird.  After all, here I am trying to introduce this guy to Jesus and I am letting him know that I have doubts?  That there are times when I question?  Somewhere deep inside me I felt a powerful resistance towards being open and honest about my doubts.  A significant part of me wanted to pretend like I had it all together.  As if true faith provides all the assurance one might need in this life.  But I knew that would be a lie.  So I shared as transparently as I could about what I was feeling.  And in doing so, I received this profound insight from my agnostic friend...

"That's what I like about you...your faith isn't plastic.  It isn't perfect or ironclad.  Your faith leaves room for questions.  I like to think that if there is a God out there, he must be big enough to handle my doubts." 

Wow.  Whether my friend realized it or not, I heard the still, small voice of Jesus speaking to me through his words.  God is big enough to handle my doubts.  What a biblical message!  Reminds me of God's relationship with Moses.  God was big enough to handle Moses' doubts about his leadership abilities, his stuttering, and his fears.  God was big enough to handle Moses' doubts when he was in Egypt and plague after plague didn't seem to soften Pharoah's heart.  God was big enough when the people complained about the food, the water, the size of the Amorites (they are giants...we are grasshoppers), and the length of the wilderness journey.  No matter what the issue, no matter how mad or frustrated or discouraged Moses got, God was big enough to handle it. 

God is big enough to handle Doug Resler's doubts and questions and struggles as well.  God is big enough to handle the challenges we face in Allelon as we seek to become a truly missional community.  God is big enough to deal with our anger, our frustration, our despair, and our doubts about the future.  We just have to let him.  I just have to let him.  I have to surrender my doubts and fears to him.  God is using my doubts to take me ever deeper into intimacy with him. And I am learning anew what it means to trust, to love, and to have faith. 

Comments

[Ryan]

Love them thoughts, Doug! Keep up leading through this sort of transparency. I'm provoked by it.
Great talking with you yesterday!

[Doug Resler]

Thanks Ryan! Yesterday was greatly encouraging to me as well! You are a blessing in my life!